YOU SAY/THEY HEAR:

Testing....testing.....is this thing on? Sometimes I think that, I know that, children have selective hearing. My kids could not hear me asking them to please pick up their ______ and put it away when I was standing right next to them.

However, if my husband called me and asked if I wanted him to bring pizza home for dinner, my kids could hear that from three blocks away. With headphones on. At a football game. With 10,000 people screaming in their ear. While they were underwater. In the ocean. Which is not three blocks away.

A child's hearing is filtered from one ear to the other. It's the strangest thing. Here are some helpful translations to help you understand what they're thinking if you are "in the trenches" with your kids:

You say "Please put your coat away"..........
They hear "No, really, just leave it on the floor."

You say "Dinner is ready!"
They hear "Dinner will be ready three hours from now."

You say "Please go into the bathroom and wash your muddy hands."
They hear "Please go and wipe your muddy hands all over my new, clean towels and be sure and don't use any water either."

You say "You don't look so good. Do you feel o.k.?"
They hear "Please throw up all over me."

You say "No!"
They hear "Of course you may! Just as long as you keep asking me over and over and be sure and throw a fit while you do it!"

You say "What were you thinking?"
They hear "??????????"

You say "Please go clean your room."
They hear "Please go play in your room."

You say "Please do not hit your brother."
They hear "Oh please hit your brother."

You say "Are you listening to me?"
They hear "....................." (please insert chirping birds and glazed over eyes, theirs, not yours)

You say "You need to go finish your homework."
They hear "Homework never did anybody any good."

You say "You need to go and take a bath."
They hear "Bath? Who needs a bath?"

You say "Please do not argue with me."
They hear "Argue? Oh man, I love it when you argue with me!"

You say "It's bedtime. Please go get ready."
They hear "From now on you can stay up as late as you want."

You say "I don't care what so-and-so gets to do, you're not doing it!"
They hear "...................." (please insert sound of birds chirping)

You say "No, you may not have a t.v., phone or computer in your room at your age."
They hear "We are going to be buying you your own house to live in, just for you!"

However, you will be happy to know that their hearing improves with age! A little, so don't get overly excited here.....